Good Job! WOW! You’re such a good boy! You’re so smart! Super Job!

Despite how we may have grown up or what society says we should do, we actually do not have to tell our children how smart they are, what a great job they are doing, and how talented they are. And coincidently, continually praising children can actually cause the exact opposite effects than intended. Yikes!

Years ago, Maria Montessori recognized the importance of a children’s internal motivation to learn new things and master new skills. Children have a strong internal urge that pushes them into the world, allowing them learn new things and become independent human beings. And this urge is the strongest form of motivation. And through Montessori materials and lessons, the children are able to develop their sense of order, independence and concentration. Therefore, children are already wired to work hard and do good, so external praise simply isn’t necessary.

“The child can only develop fully by means of experience in his environment. We call such experiences ‘work’.“

– Maria Montessori

Parent’s are praising their children to help build self-esteem and hopefully motivate them to continue to do good. But self-esteem isn’t all about being great at everything that you do. Self-esteem is about feeling good about who you are, being comfortable with making mistakes, and feeling confident in what you have done. And although research has proved that praise can have positive effects, it highly depends on how the praise is being given. In order for praise to be beneficial, it must first be sincere. For me, as a rule of thumb, I don’t say anything to a child that I wouldn’t say to an adult. So instead of saying, “Good job eating your dinner!” (my toddler often boycotts eating when teething or not feeling well, so we get excited about things like this at my house) I would say, “I noticed you at all your dinner tonight!” And second, praising effort instead of outcome and talent can lead to motivation and positive self-esteem. By continuously praising your child, the child will learn to always expect praise. And when a time comes that they do not hear praise for their actions, then they may feel inadequate, self conscious, or disappointed (“Are We Over Praising Our Children?”, 2013). On the flip side, when praise is given spontaneously and genuinely, it is more likely to be a more effective motivator.

“What we need is a world full of miracles, like the miracle of seeing the young child seeking work and independence, and manifesting a wealth of enthusiasm and love.“

– Maria Montessori (Peace and Education)

WHAT CAN I DO INSTEAD?

1. Give your child the skills that they need to be an independent human being. As a parent, this requires a lot of patience. There are so many times when I watched my daughter try putting on her socks…it can almost be painful to watch and there was always this urge inside me to want to rip it out of her hand and do it myself. But that would be extremely disrespectful to her, would get her no where and would probably result in a massive emotional breakdown (understandably so)! Allowing the child to learn, means giving them the time to do so. So sit back (or maybe sit on your hands, if you’re anything like me) and watch the magic unfold.
2. Setting them up with purposeful work and independent success. Setting a child up for success doesn’t mean giving them something that they will come super easy to them. It means, giving them something that challenges them, something engaging that takes hard work and concentration, yet still something that is appropriate for their level of development. And when they are given these materials and experiences, it is important to allow the child to work through things on their own. You may have to do a demonstration first, but then give them the time and space to work uninterrupted. That way, when they do finally achieve their goal, the will have a genuine internal feeling of success and self-confidence.
3. “You did it!” – This is always my go to phrase instead of, “good job!” I’m still cautious to use it sparingly and only when I am genuinely excited for them, but it still shows that I am recognizing their effort that they put into their work. You can also simply validate what they did. So for example, instead of saying, “Good job for peeing in the toilet!” You can simply just say, “Look, you peed on the toilet!”
4. Be sincere and praise effort, not the end product. There are of course, going to be times when you are proud and want to share that with your child. You just don’t want to let it get out of hand and start giving out, “good jobs!” left and right. And as I said before, I don’t say anything to a child that I wouldn’t say to an adult. They are humans to, they deserve respect just like anyone else.

This was definitely an adjustment for me when I entered into the world of Montessori. It was almost natural for me to say, “Good job!” after a child did something good. I think this is true for many adults and parents when children are present. And even after becoming aware of the potential effects, it slipped from time to time. But after some practice and stopping and processing what I am going to say before speaking, I have come to a place where praise is genuine, used sparingly and toward effort instead of talent.