Every day children are learning how to regulate their feelings and emotions. Shoot! Lots of adults are still learning to do this. Our family is coming off of a week up North on a lake with non-existent bedtimes, way too much sugar, and possibly more fun than our five year old can handle. In our house, this is a recipe for very tired children with big emotions. And I’m sure I am not alone in this this summer. I’ve been finding myself checking in with how I can help my daughter cope with all of these emotions while she takes a few days to catch up on sleep. It can be so easy to get caught up in those emotions with her, but I am trying to be purposeful in how I support her and all the feelings, especially the negative ones.

Sometimes parents feel that they need to stop the negative experiences of emotion for their children. But just like it’s not your job to be responsible for your spouse’s emotions, it’s not your job to be responsible for your child’s emotions either. We need to move away from thinking that their emotions are a reflection of what we are doing or something that we need to do for them and see their feelings for what they are. Our job as parents or caregivers is to support them and allow them learn how to work through all of their feelings.

To start, you need to check in with yourself and recognize your own emotions. When children get caught up in their feelings it can come along with lots of unwanted behavior that can easily be a trigger for parents. When I say trigger, I mean a behavior that instantly makes you irritable and angry. For example, when my daughter gets really tired or angry she screams a lot and very loudly. I know that screaming is a huge parenting trigger of mine. So I need to recognize those feelings in myself, maybe take a deep breath, and intentionally not let my own feelings get in the way of how I am supporting my child. Because, believe me, that is not going to make it any better. Does this mean that you are going to be perfect all the time and keep all your emotions in check? Absolutely not. We all lose our cool sometimes. We are all human, emotions are human, and it gives us a reason to model sincere apologies when things settle down.

**Maybe this is a good time to stop and reflect. Determining my own parenting triggers has been huge for me, so I strongly encourage you to put some thought into your own triggers. What are one or two of your parenting triggers? What are the standards for adults and their emotions? Are adults allowed to be angry when limits are put on them? What do these standards for adults look like versus the standards we put on our children’s emotions? Are the expectations that we are setting for our children realistic?**

So what should you do when a child is feeling and experiencing BIG emotions? Start by keeping your own emotions in check. They need you to be solid support. Next, the goal is to allow the child to calm down. This doesn’t mean distract them with food, toys, or whatever. It means to allow them feel all the emotions while letting them know that you are there. (You might sit next to them, offer a hug, validate their feelings, etc.) Once a child gets into a big emotional breakdown there is no reasoning with them. They are completely out of it and have lost control. They need to know that you are present in the moment and that you are there for them. “I see that you are very upset.” You could also offer a hug (some children like this, others don’t). You aren’t going to get anywhere until they have calmed down at least a little bit. Once the situation has calmed down a little bit then you can start telling the child what he CAN do (not what he can’t do). “I hear you. You want to go to the park. We can go to the park after your sister wakes up from a nap.” If you start rattling off what they child did wrong and what the child can’t do, you are going to find yourself right back where you started. Next, this whole process is going to take some time. And some days it is going to feel like this is all you are doing, all day long (those days are hard for everybody). But intentionally giving your child extra time, especially during transitions, will not only give the child the time and space to work through their feelings but it will also give you the peace of mind that we have time for this and not feel rushed. And lastly, let them practice! Practice makes perfect, right? Give them chances to practice these feelings every day, even on those hard days. By giving them this time and allowing them to practice daily, it will help them develop the skills they need to independently work through these emotions down the road.

A few tips when helping a child work through big emotions:

• is the child hungry? Hangry is a real thing!
• Validate their feelings in a tone that doesn’t shame them.
• While some children need space, others need physical touch for comfort. Sometimes a hug can go a long way.
• Keep your expectations in check.
• Remember: It’s ok for children to have big feelings.
• Don’t take things that happen or that are said during this time personally.
• Sit with them, maybe embraced in a hug. Don’t constantly talk to them, this is their moment (and it’s super annoying when someone constantly talks to you when you’re an emotional wreck. Am I right?!). Less is more.

Examples of validating feelings:

• “It’s ok to be sad and crying. But we still need to be respectful.”
• “I hear you. Waiting is hard.”
• “I see you are very frustrated. Would you like a hug?”

Days with big emotions can be rough, for everybody. And just like you and me, children have bad days too. Sometimes we all just need a little extra TLC, A snack, some down time, or maybe just a nap. And remember, tomorrow is a new day 🙂