Parenting these days can be so challenging. There is so much research, opinions and philosophies out there that it is nearly impossible to choose how you are going to raise your child. However, in the end we all want the same outcome….We want our children to be happy, healthy, respectful, successful, well rounded human beings who grow into successful, independent and well rounded adults. Right?! After talking to many many parents over the years and listening to countless speakers and professionals, I have come to the conclusion that parents of this generation simply aren’t sure how to discipline their children effectively or maybe they are just too afraid to. Here are a few steps that will help guide you to a consistent discipline approach with your child….

1. Establishing a consistent daily routine. Young children thrive off of predictable and consistent routines with reasonable expectations. When children are able to get adequate sleep, nutrition and stimulation they are able to function and learn at the highest level. When this routine is altered (even in the slightest), naps are missed, over stimulation occurs, and meals are pushed back – it is not reasonable for us to expect their best behavior. Holidays are a great example of this! Multiple family functions a day, abnormal meal times, over abundance of people and activity, and brief naps in the car are all a recipe for disaster. We can not possibly expect them to act like perfect little angels. This same idea applies to more common activities such as running errands, dinner at grandma’s, going to the zoo for the day, and the list could go on. So do the best you can to schedule your day around your child’s routine, and when that is not possible, be sure to adjust your expectations of their behavior without getting mad or frustrated.
2. Don’t manipulate, model. Teaching our children how to control themselves is much more effective than trying to control our children. The best way to do this is through modeling. Your child is a direct reflection of you! When analyzing your child’s unwanted behavior, it may be time to do a little self evaluation. Let’s go back to the ever so famous saying, “treat others like you want to be treated.” Yup, this applies to you too Mom and Dad! You may wonder why your child yells at you from across the room if he or she needs something? “Mom, I want some milk!” Hmm, as a parent, do you ever talk loudly to get his or her attention? “It’s time to leave, let’s go!” “You need to come back in here and clean up your toys!” This is learned behavior. So next time, be sure to walk to them and quietly relay your message. Language is huge – if we want our child to use polite words and manners, we must give them the language and model it! This means we are modeling the wanted language with not only children, but other adults as well. However, be careful to not overuse “please.” When giving a direction, “please” can make it sound optional or like they are doing you a favor. Instead, try beginning the direction with, “It’s time to_____.” Remember, your child is a direct reflection of you. If something unwanted is going on, think to yourself….is there something that I am doing that is causing this? Or better yet, WHAT am I doing to cause this? And how can I remove this obstacle and make it better?
3. Respond calmly and respectfully. No need to shame your toddler by raising your voice and scolding, which usually comes from some kind of emotional reaction to the situation. (Remember: they are toddlers! They have very very little self control. And most likely, their behavior is occurring because of something that they need developmentally.) This just sends them mixed and unclear messages that leave them feeling guilty and ashamed of themselves. Instead, simply respond using a more effortless, yet still firm, tone of voice. You can be as mad or as frustrated with them as it gets on the inside, but that is emotion that we don’t want them to see on the outside. The child needs to feel like we are not nervous, worked up or overly emotional about the situation and instead need to feel confident that the parent is in charge and these are the rules. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Also, remember that they are humans. Just because they are super tiny and lack most self control doesn’t mean that they deserve any less respect than an adult.
4. Set firm limits, and mean it! You are the parent, and you should run your home. Your child should not be in charge! This, however, doesn’t mean you need to be a dictator. It means that although you show authority, you also show warmth. This is called authoritative parenting. Firm limits should be set by the parent with the best interest of the child’s development in mind. Yes, this will mean that you will have to say, “no” to you child from time to time and that’s ok! Saying “no” will not damage them forever, I promise. In fact, by setting limits and staying true to your parenting style, you child will be given predictable expectations that will make them feel confident and secure.
5. Natural consequences. Natural consequences help the child learn through his experiences. Disconnected punishments, such as time outs teach the child nothing and often sends mixed messages. For example, if your child is not sharing their toys with their friends…the toy is removed completely. “I see you are having a hard time sharing your toys with our guest today, I am going to put it up and maybe you can try again next time she is over.” If your child is throwing a fit in Target because they want a toy and you said “no”…well you are leaving the store (possibly with a screaming child) and most definitely without the wanted toy. “We have so many errands to run today, but unfortunately since you are showing me that you are unable to act appropriately in public we will have to go home instead.” These consequences are still unwanted, however, they are directly connected to the unwanted behavior, therefore, the child is more likely to make the connection that this is not something that I want to do again.
6. Your child’s misbehavior doesn’t make you a bad parent. So many parents are ashamed, embarrassed and annoyed by their child’s behavior. But in reality, misbehavior is purely a cry for sleep, food, attention or firmer limits. Nothing to be embarrassed about. Toddlers have VERY little self control – so it is up to you to do your best to set them up with a consistent schedule, a respectful environment, and firm limits. When things go south (which they will from time to time), stay calm and do your best to deal with the situation in a respectful manner.